Thursday, March 4, 2010

Hard Knock Wife - #fridayflash

Trudy was grinding flour for her daily bread, according to a recipe that a friendly giant had given her. Trudy was renowned for her ability to whip her ingredients into one dish or another. She would start with the whipping, then follow that with the flaying, the drying and the grinding. She was an old school cook.

An aroma, carried on the breeze that blew through the cave, made her set the mill aside and check the oven. She had a batch of tarts baking. Trudy peeked inside, the heat and the smell washing over her face. Bliss. She fetched the tray out and set it aside to cool. The tarts were perfect. Nobody ever missed them.

She heard a noise from the cave mouth and hurried out to see what it was.

"Sorry..." Sid attempted a sentence. "I was just..." Practice didn't seem to help.

"Hey honey!" Trudy said. "What's that?"

Sid put his hands behind his back, awkwardly. "Nuh-"

It was as if Trudy had five sets of arms the way she swarmed around him. Sid didn't stand a chance. Trudy plucked the letter from him.

"What is this?" she demanded.

"Nuh-"

"That's my name on it!" she interrupted.

"I-" Sid began.

Trudy straight-armed him in the chest, sending him lumbering backwards. She ripped open the envelope and pulled out the letter. After a few minutes reading it, she looked up at Sid.

"Is this a joke?" she said.

Sid opened his mouth, but Trudy was speaking over him again.

"You're not doing this," she said. "You are not dumping ME. You LOVE me."

Sid sighed. "I DO love you. I love you SO much. I... I never..."

"So why are you doing this?" Trudy said, shaking the letter at him. "Why now? I know you love me!"

"I do, baby," Sid said. "It's just... you're wearing me down."

Trudy snorted. "Wearing you down? This nonsense is wearing me down. Silly man, we can work it out. Is it all the clubbing?"

Sid shook his head. "I like clubbing things. I love it. I'd club anyone for you."

Trudy grabbed Sid's hands, clasped them tight. "So what is it?"

A huge tear rolled down Sid's cheek.

"Oh baby," Sid said. "It's the sex."

Trudy rocked back. "You... don't... like... the... sex...?"

"No, baby! No!" Sid said. "The sex is amazing but it's wearing me down."

"Explain yourself," Trudy said, looking vexed.

"Well... we're both rock trolls, right?"

"Of course," Trudy said.

"But you're an igneous rock troll, and I'm just a limestone rock troll..."

"So?" Trudy demanded.

"Baby, you're wearing me down." Sid glanced at his crotch. "You're harder than I am, baby. You're seriously wearing me down..."

20 comments:

  1. As I began reading this, I heard the cast from "Annie" singing. Odd, that.

    Hilarious! So there's erosion in this marriage, heh.

    Very good, sir, very good.

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  2. Ha! A scientific response. too funny!

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  3. Too funny, Anton! Erosion for sure...

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  4. Oh hell. This was damn funny. The finish was brilliant!

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  5. Wow - this was great! Is it all the clubbing? Nope. It's the sex. The sex?! Baby, you're wearing my down. . . this was so much fun to read.

    Jim

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  6. Lmao! Leading cause of erectile dysfunction.

    Sick, but funny. Well played, Mr. Gully.

    ;p

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  7. Meant to say last night but beer made me forget. I got the inklings of this idea after reading EJK's #fridayflash here.

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  8. You had me at the title, great pun. But then for the whole story to revolve around the title - that is my definition of perfection - just like Nick Roeg's film "Bad Timing" it all comes together at the very end when you remember the title. You DON'T rush into giving the game away too early (can we say premature word ejaculation here?)

    Supreme, masterful control of your material.

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  9. Marc - now if only I'd written it while I was stoned instead of plastered...

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  10. Hey now, hey now now, sing this erosion to me...
    Wicked good!

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  11. Nice one. And the title is perfect. Cheers

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  12. Bwaha. We both thought of messed up relationships for this week. I can't help but succumb to a Fantastic pun like "wearing me down." Well-worn, Anton.

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  13. Yes, Marisa nailed it - erosion indeed! This was great fun to read first thing in the morning. Well done Anton!

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  14. Ha! The worst kind of erosion! That is one funny story! Totally surprised me!

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  15. They go clubbing and there's erosion. Quite a relationship! Fun story!

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  16. That story was hard breaking - I mean, heart breaking.

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  17. Sad to hear the trolls have a rocky relationship.

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  18. I love it! Igneous vs. limestone, well that would be a problem. I think I've been in a few relationships like that myself. Good story!

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  19. Thanks for the comments folks. I guess it pays to be bolder sometimes...

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